Confessions

My husband has MS

     I'm really sad about that!

I'm tired of MS

I'm codependent.  Didn't used to be.  But I am now.

I don't know how to keep a good mood going with a seemingly unhappy person around.

My husband seems unhappy when he's tired, feels icky, or is actually unhappy.

I am mostly selfish and mainly care when my husband is ill because of how it will affect me.

     How terrible is that?

I'm terrified about our future.

I don't know how to get over my anger about my husband's MS enough to worry about how he'll feel.

I keep praying for a break from all the crap and chaos

     So we will have some sort of positive foundation to fall onto again.

I forget how to rely on God.

I don't know how to calm myself down when I'm angry.

I expected to be better at all of this.

     I agreed to marry someone who had MS because I thought I'd be good at caring about him.

          I had no idea.

I want to be better at all of this.

Lord, in my weakness please, oh please, be my strength!

Playlists

I wish there could be playlists in real life.  I wish God could set the music for each day and that it would play loud enough to dance to.  How cool would it be to have quick songs to speed you along when you're doing housework.  A touching song when God knows it's time for you to take a little break and focus on Him.  Songs for when you're happy, songs for when you're sad.  Songs to inspire you and keep you motivated to be kind and gracious and PATIENT as your day goes.  That would be so cool.

wee bit Wednesday on Thursday

{one} what color is your kitchen?
White and yellow and ugly. They must have painted and then moved some of the cabinets up so there is a large area under some of the cabinets that is the old wood panel colour.


{two} do you have a good luck charm?
Not really...but I do love charm bracelets.


{three} do you prefer to write with a pen or pencil?
Pencil because I'm a perfectionist. If I wrote enough I'd switch back to pen because I'd remain practiced at it, but seeing as I hardly ever write on paper I stick to pencil in my journal these days. I would actually prefer pen though...maybe I should practice more...specially handwritting!


{four} can you use chopsticks?
Ridiculous as it seems, I actually pride myself on it...I know...I'm crazy.


{five} do you prefer baths or showers?
I'd love baths if I had a nice bathtub. I love it when my kids have baths. But showers are more refreshing.


{six} what is your favorite salad dressing?
Right now I'm super into Ranch, Creamy Cucumber and Coleslaw.


{seven} can you sing the alphabet backwards?
I can say it but I've never thought about singing it. Do you sing the notes backwards or just the regular tune with the letters backwards?


{eight} do you have any allergies?
I'm allergic to my messiness...but you wouldn't believe it if you saw my house.


{nine} crunchy or creamy peanut butter?
Creamy and Kraft.


{ten} have you ever hitch hiked?
Oh how I wish! This is one thing I feel angry about in life because I feel like I got ripped off a bit because I'm a woman. I always thought I'd get to travel across Canada this way when I got married, but my husband didn't seem to be interested at all and now we have kids. If I ever had nothing to lose I think it might be one of the first things I'd try!

One Hour

I have recently become very aware of just how important an hour can be in someone's life. After I called and informed her that my life felt like complete chaos and frustration, a family friend came by. She folded laundry with me and hung out with my kids while I put it all away (a step that I hardly ever get around to). I think she was actually here for around 1.5 hours but regardless, it wasn't so much time as to be a huge commitment for her and it meant everything to me. It made me feel like maybe there might be hope. She also brought over a cook book and a few groceries for us as I had told her about our current financial blight.

The same day, another friend of mine dropped off supper for us and I don't think mac'n'cheese has ever tasted so good to me - not to mention the cucumber!

This is in response to my crying out in my despair. Jesse and I have been having a really, really difficult time lately. School, FINANCES, raising children, little alone time, and a general hormonal imbalance or maybe just craziness has been putting us through the ringer. We have felt very isolated and helpless and, in turn, angry because that's the opposite of what we expected when we decided to move to a Bible college town. And so it is, that I have decided that enough is enough. I will not sit and feel sorry for myself and complain that nobody here helps us in practical ways. I will very specifically ask for practical help. And I will offer practical help.

As you begin a new week, I ask that you will do a few things:

1. Pray for us. Pray that our marriage will be strengthened and not broken and that we will not murdalize our little ones - hehehe. Pray that I will get on top of my responsibilities as a wife and mom and that Jesse will get on top of his responsibilities as a student and family man. (And if you want, you could pray that our lottery ticket will be the winner - lol!)

2. If you have ideas and time and are close enough, please, please stop in any time. I'd love help learning how to use my slow cooker and meal plan for low budget meals. I can use any company and would much rather wash my dishes with someone to talk to, and my kids would love to play with your kids!

3. If you are near or far, please consider those in your life who would benefit from an hour of your time. I just made a call booking an hour to help a friend of mine in town next week, and I'm super excited. What better way to get to know people or show them you love them than by helping them with their daily chores or just being there to make their day seem less mundane.

4. Don't forget to ask for help if you need it and let's cut the shit a bit and ask for what we really need, not just some basic prayer request or hint at our situations. Let's be real with one another!

Thanks for reading!

P.S. I'm so excited to be starting a new grocery shopping routine with my friend. Neither of us can afford to spend the amount needed at Superstore to get the free products, so we're going to shop together and share them! I'm super stoked for the free products as well as the grocery shopping buddy!

Soother Fairy

Thanks to Kirsten Matthies who gave me the idea for a soother fairy!

AdaLynn has only used her soother for naps and night time for the last year or so, but when she's sick, we usually let her take her blanket and soother with her throughout the day to provide extra comfort. The only problem with that is that she doesn't want to stop doing that when she feels better. So this time, we've come up with a solution. In the morning we tell her that she's a big girl and big girls don't need their soothers during the day. We don't let her leave her room before she gives us her soother. We tell her that the soother fairy will take care of it for her while she is busy being a big girl. So she gives us her soother and we hide it. Then when it's nap time we tell her that she needs to call the fairy to ask for her soother. We get her to spin in a circle and we say:

Soother fairy, soother fairy, I've been a good big girl

Soother fairy, soother fairy, now it's time for nap

At which point we drop the soother on the floor without her seeing us do it. Then she giggles, puts it in her mouth and we all head off to tuck her into bed.

I love my little girl!

{one} do you wear holey jeans? if so, do you buy them that way?
No. But I had one pair of favourite jeans that had holes in them...they were fantastic!

{two} do you get a full 8 hours of sleep per night?
Nope. I'd like to think I will again one day though!

{three} what’s your favorite way to eat an oreo?
This topic actually causes me quite a bit of stress. I can't decide which way I like better so I as I'm eating them I waffle back and forth on just how I want to eat my last one. It's very stressful in my brain!


{four} do you wear shoes in your house?
Only when I'm running back and forth when we're trying to leave.

{five} who would you call first if you won the lottery?
Trina Thomas...but she probably wouldn't be home so then I'd call Janice Westnedge. I think for family I'd want to come up with more elaborate ways to tell them instead of calling.

{six} have you ever been in a food fight?
Nope...I'd assume you'd have to be rich for that...food is a valuable thing to just throw around. On the other hand, I have been in a tadpole spitting fight...

{seven} do you snore?
Yes. Jesse likes to imitate me.

{eight} do you know how fast you type?
Over 60wpm! I'm pretty proud of that (always have been). I took typing in Grade 9. I ended up skipping a lot of the classes go smoke (and by that I mean share 1 cigarette with a few friends) but I got an 'A' in the class anyways.

{nine} can you do a headstand (without using a wall)?
Only if a teddy bear headstand works - and even that hurts my head...so, no.

{ten} how do you like your popcorn?
I have that old fashioned popcorn maker and use the theatre spice...yum!

You can do a linky thing...but I don't really get it yet. And I'll probably never get around to wee bit wednesday on a Wednesday! Oh well, thought it'd be fun.

Tough little Mobile Macky!

Well it's been quite the week for Mackinley! He's a super mover now and can crawl really quickly across the room or wherever he wants to go. He likes to do a bear walk more often but is getting good at the real crawl as well.

We have a jolly jumper type thing for him that hangs from the ceiling. It's from a company called Merry Muscles and we originally thought it was newer than Jolly Jumper. It supposedly helps babies jump from a better place on their feet, but I'm not sure it's much different. It does the trick though.

The other day we had Mack in it and AdaLynn was playing with him. I knew that she needed to be supervised with this because she can swing him like crazy if she wants. I went to tell Jesse something and as I stood in the door frame talking to him (so as to be able to keep half an eye on the kids...well, probably more like a quarter) we both heard AdaLynn start cracking up. Ada likes to laugh and giggles quite often, but there's a difference when she really cracks up and this was one of her full on laughs. So I turned to look and could hardly believe what I saw! Mack was spinning like a figure skater in a scratch spin - YouTube it...I don't feel like figuring out the link thingy today. Anyways, Mack was spinning like crazy and AdaLynn was laughing like crazy and I ran over to stop Mack. His eyes were going back and forth so fast and we were trying our hardest not to burst out laughing because we were trying to tell Ada that she couldn't wind him up again!

While they say your love is multiplied when you have another child, one thing is for sure. Your attention is definitely divided! The other day we were all playing on the bed (except Jesse was at the computer with his back to the bed). I was playing peek-a-boo with Ada while Mack rolled around and when we were winding down with our game I stood up and gazed lovingly at my children. I thought it was so cute that Mack was crawling over to see Jesse. I stood there happily watching as Mack got the the edge of the bed and then promptly slid off. Head first. Onto the floor. When I heard him hit the floor I realised what I had actually been watching was my song falling off the bed and I rushed over. Poor little guy. He cried right away, was moving all his limbs and his pupils were the same size etc. so I knew we didn't have to rush to emergency or call an ambulance or anything. But he did have a slight cut above his eye so thankfully the doctor here in Caronport saw him and said I was right not to be too worried. No concussion - tough little guy!

It's amazing how many times I think to just put Mack on his feet when I put him down and then realise that he's not able to stand like AdaLynn is. Parenting the second time around is funny. It's amazing how much we forget/remember from the first time. I keep looking at Mack and thinking something is wrong with him (mostly because babies just weird me out...'cause they are kinda weird) but then I just remember Ada was mostly like that and she seems pretty normal now. Well, as normal as I'd like my kids to be anyways;-)

Here's hoping we have another great and less accidentally eventful week this week!

**Does anyone know how to add words (like AdaLynn and Mackinley) to blogger's spell checker?

Major change?

A friend recently asked people to comment on her blog about a major change that had happened in their life and how they had handled it. This was my response:

Ok, I think I've narrowed it down to my top five and that'll have to do. I'll list them in order of occurrence, not significance.

1. When I became a 'real' Christian. I had asked the Lord into my life when I was a young child but never truly 'walked the talk' on the week days. Every year I'd go to camp and re-dedicate my life to Christ, but when I was 15 I said I was ready to go where God wanted "even if there are spiders", and when I went home that year I really lived it. This was also when I moved in with my aunt and uncle who were very helpful in my walk with Christ.

2. When I lost my virginity. I suppose this is fairly self-explanatory, so I won't go into too much detail, but I remember feeling that something changed and that I wouldn't feel the same again. I don't regret things in life, because I believe all of our experiences make us who we are as people, but I would love to have saved that moment for my husband. I will say, though, that the first time with my husband was far different and is much more important a memory for me.

3. Hitting and killing a man who successfully commit suicide by jumping off an overpass in front of my car on the #1 highway in BC. At the time I had a career path and was going to school 45 minutes away from my home. After the accident I quit school because I wasn't willing to risk my life each day on the road. Thankfully I regained my driving confidence and didn't lock myself inside for the rest of my life! There was nothing I could do and I don't feel bad about anything, but it's not really something you ever forget happened to you. Seeing as my family started me off on the comedic healing route by saying "wow, the men are just throwing themselves at you" (hopefully nobody's offended by this) I have on more than one occasion told the story while laughing and I am thankful for God's grace in helping me move past this event.

3. The day I met my husband. It really was love at first sight. He pictured me in a wedding dress the moment he saw me. I started writing a song when I got home that night about knowing something was up. We were engaged 8 days later and married a month and a half after that. Marriage is hard (which is why I insist constantly that people call me Mrs. instead of Ms.!) but I am so very thankful that God knew more about what I needed than I did and that he placed Jesse and I together in such a unique way.

5. Becoming a mom (twice). My children continually challenge me and make me grow as a person, and all the while they're so CUTE! I have the most amazing children -- don't try to argue with me;-)! I look forward to them continuing to change me and impress me, bring me to tears and laughter, and surprise me for the rest of my life!

**I had a really fun time reflecting on the changes in my life and thought you'd enjoy this little post about me:-) Feel free to comment on your big change/changes!

Pure Hidden Terror

I'm not sure if I can find the words to describe how scared I am and how crazy the task of being a mom is! I know for certain we've each been there. I know we don't talk about it a lot, but parenting is probably the most scary thing a person ever does in their life.

First there's basic fear. Looking around your house and realising the millions of ways your child could (and probably will) injure themselves. The many near misses. You could probably write "wow, that was close...my child nearly died today" every night in your journal - if you are disciplined enough (or have the energy left) to write every night! I still remember the day I walked into the kitchen only to see AdaLynn walking across the room with a knife in her hands. And then I realised that in order to get the knife across the room, she had climbed up to the counter, grabbed it, then CLIMBED BACK DOWN while holding it, all without a scratch to her perfect little self. It really is a miracle that any of our children survive, and the unfortunate fact is, that some of them don't. It's scary!

Then there's the fear of the emotional pain they will without a doubt go through as they grow. As a parent, you just can't protect your baby from the challenges of relationships. With good reason. From learning to share with other toddlers, to their first friends, to their first boyfriend and first break-up. You can't make sure they don't fail because then you'd fail at teaching them. All you can do is let them know that you will always love them no matter who doesn't and that when they get hurt they can always come to you.

But I think the thing I'm most afraid of is the possibility that I could and probably will hurt my most important little people. There is probably a learning curve for most parents, and it's too bad for the first child who has to be the teacher, but I sure wish I just had everything together right from the start! I think of this after flicking my little girl's cheek as she spit her food all over herself again this morning. I am so irritated by the food all over the house, and I'm still trying to figure out how I can convince my child to eat at her table, and keep her food in her mouth (or at least spit it into a napkin which is my current goal). And as she cried, I completely second guessed myself.

Does the second guessing ever end? I know there are many times when I give a time out and as the battle to keep her in her naughty spot persists and the time continually gets reset I wonder...did she even deserve this time out? But at that point, I can't go back anyways.

I want more than anything to raise children who turn into confident adults who have learned the important things. Not so much about math and science, but about how to care about others and how to trust their instincts. I want them to know that there are positive and negative consequences to their actions and that they need to respect others. And I fearfully pray that I will be able to instill these things in them at the same time as I infuse them with my love. I just want them to feel special and lifted up, respected and cared for.

It's scary stuff, this parenting thing. But I suppose it's the stuff of which makes us all who we are. As I raise them, they change me. I'm so thankful to have the opportunity to walk this scary road and to have loving people around me who encourage me and tell me that I am indeed doing a good job and that they'll love me even when I fail. Because, like my children, I can't escape failure...but we can't escape success either!