I'm not sure if I can find the words to describe how scared I am and how crazy the task of being a mom is! I know for certain we've each been there. I know we don't talk about it a lot, but parenting is probably the most scary thing a person ever does in their life.
First there's basic fear. Looking around your house and realising the millions of ways your child could (and probably will) injure themselves. The many near misses. You could probably write "wow, that was close...my child nearly died today" every night in your journal - if you are disciplined enough (or have the energy left) to write every night! I still remember the day I walked into the kitchen only to see AdaLynn walking across the room with a knife in her hands. And then I realised that in order to get the knife across the room, she had climbed up to the counter, grabbed it, then CLIMBED BACK DOWN while holding it, all without a scratch to her perfect little self. It really is a miracle that any of our children survive, and the unfortunate fact is, that some of them don't. It's scary!
Then there's the fear of the emotional pain they will without a doubt go through as they grow. As a parent, you just can't protect your baby from the challenges of relationships. With good reason. From learning to share with other toddlers, to their first friends, to their first boyfriend and first break-up. You can't make sure they don't fail because then you'd fail at teaching them. All you can do is let them know that you will always love them no matter who doesn't and that when they get hurt they can always come to you.
But I think the thing I'm most afraid of is the possibility that I could and probably will hurt my most important little people. There is probably a learning curve for most parents, and it's too bad for the first child who has to be the teacher, but I sure wish I just had everything together right from the start! I think of this after flicking my little girl's cheek as she spit her food all over herself again this morning. I am so irritated by the food all over the house, and I'm still trying to figure out how I can convince my child to eat at her table, and keep her food in her mouth (or at least spit it into a napkin which is my current goal). And as she cried, I completely second guessed myself.
Does the second guessing ever end? I know there are many times when I give a time out and as the battle to keep her in her naughty spot persists and the time continually gets reset I wonder...did she even deserve this time out? But at that point, I can't go back anyways.
I want more than anything to raise children who turn into confident adults who have learned the important things. Not so much about math and science, but about how to care about others and how to trust their instincts. I want them to know that there are positive and negative consequences to their actions and that they need to respect others. And I fearfully pray that I will be able to instill these things in them at the same time as I infuse them with my love. I just want them to feel special and lifted up, respected and cared for.
It's scary stuff, this parenting thing. But I suppose it's the stuff of which makes us all who we are. As I raise them, they change me. I'm so thankful to have the opportunity to walk this scary road and to have loving people around me who encourage me and tell me that I am indeed doing a good job and that they'll love me even when I fail. Because, like my children, I can't escape failure...but we can't escape success either!
